Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ll have read the potty training books. Adventurously titled ‘how to potty train in 1 week’ or ‘potty training for dummies’.
Now, my favourite line I read was ‘make your toddler sit on the potty every 15 minutes for 5-10 minutes at a time.’ If you’ve ever had to cage a stray lion, then you’ll be well practiced at this part of the process. If you’ve not, you’ll need the following before you begin:
- A fencing mask to protect your eyes.
- Lion handling gloves to prevent biting.
- A rugby player, who is good at scrums.
By the end of day 1, if you haven’t already given up, you can guarantee your sofa will get christened, as will your floor. If you are really lucky, you will have avoided both. If someone was really looking out for you, you’ll actually get some potty action too (and think you’ve won the war!) Only for it to be snatched from you a few hours later.
Bedtime becomes the holy grail! You say a little prayer that day 2 will be better.
Day 2 brings much more wrestling. By now you think you could give Hulk Hogan a run for his money. You begin to see a glimmer of hope. It’s round about now you realise that kids don’t come with instructions. That day and a half of wrestling was in vain, as they seem insistent that they know better than you and the book.
You panic you’ve given the little person a complex from all the badgering. Half way between frustration and giving up, you think ‘what the heck’ and leave them to it. What do you know, Mother Nature does know best and the little blighter did know better after all.
So, ok your Blue Peter badge is in the post. Your sofa and floor breathe a sigh of relief. But your task isn’t over yet. Oh no, your journey has merely just begun!
The book didn’t quite go into the fact that you rarely get to leave the house on time now, out of fear for your car upholstery. Your life is now hoping that you don’t have to get the potty out in the middle of the bread aisle in Tesco. You also know how many paces you are to the nearest loo, or blind spot at any given time.
Ofcourse, you’ve heard the saying ‘never trust a fart?’ Well kids don’t at this stage. You’ll be at the potty or toilet for every wee, poop and any wind breaking incident. It’s now that you regret moving the potty from your main living area.
If you have more than 1 loo in the house, they will take a preference to a different one each time. Sometimes they’ll have you visit more than 1 on each occasion.
Any random accident has you paranoid that they are regressing.
The only thing you have on your side is time. With time it all gets better. Also with time comes 7pm, when you can finally put your feet up and relax!
How has your journey been? Can you see the light?